WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump proudly announced Monday that he now has the highest approval rating of any current U.S. president.
"It's not even close," Trump told reporters at the White House Rose Garden. "I'm wiping the floor with all of those nobodies."
According to NBC polling data, Trump has a 39% approval rating, far exceeding the approval rating of all other current U.S. presidents, who sources allege do not exist.
CNN Chief White House Correspondent Kaitlin Collins pushed back on Trump's claim of having the highest approval rating among current presidents by pointing out that there are no other current presidents, which, she says, gives him a distinct advantage in polling against absolutely nobody. However, Trump has dismissed this claim as fake news.
Trump said, "You are such a terrible reporter. You'll do anything to undermine my progress. So predictable. You are fake news." He added, "Have you even thought about the shadow president? Of course not. I'm polling way higher than the shadow president, believe me."
At publishing time, President Trump signed an executive order to add his face to Mount Rushmore, citing his unparalleled approval rating among current U.S. presidents.
No, President Donald Trump did not sign an executive order to alter or add to Mount Rushmore itself. During his 2020 Independence Day visit to the monument, he signed an order to protect federal monuments, but not one specifically modifying Mount Rushmore. He did, however, initiate plans for a "National Garden of American Heroes
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I never asked for trust funds. They were thrust upon me. Have pity.
Uncle Bob's would like to apologize to the following people or groups of people who we undoubtedly have offended over the course of the past few years. If you feel you have been personally offended then take this apology to be specifically for you. Otherwise, we apologize to Jewish Mexicans, President Barack Hussein Obama Mmm Mmm Mmm a.k.a. Hopey McChangey, Catholic Priests who dork little boys, vegetarians, Fruit Loop, Atkins' Diet adherents and other fat-asses, Dennis J. Olson, Delta Lady, Joe and his Socks, paranoid persona's, space aliens, Illegal Aliens, Boy Scouts, same sex aficionados, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Canadians, ditch diggers, people who support the aforementioned, people on Prozac, Mel Gibson, Nazi Mods, Tiger Woods, motorcycle gang members, rag heads or towel heads or any other Middle Eastern personas or personae, Crotch Bombers, Britney Spears, the blind, the entire Gay and Lesbian community, Charlie Sheen, Black Panthers, NAACP, and anybody who has ever been called Lard Ass.