I thought it appropriate to eulogize Black Seal tonight. What better way to memorialize him than by his own words? I give you an excerpt from his memoirs...
quote:
"I am a classically educated 17th century British Viceroy who through a bizarre series of events was hurled through a rift in time to the year 2253 where I became the greatest starship captain in the Galaxy. With my quick thinking, steady blaster arm, and penchant for lightly buttered lemon walnut scones Earth just might stand a chance against the constant encroachments of the Volgor horde.
I can swim up waterfalls with unparalleled speed. I have the uncanny ability to detect alien invaders masquerading as abstract sculpture. I once sang a rendition of "No woman, No Cry" that brought a tear to the eye of the Pope and elicited a rousing burst of applause from several cardinals. I can hurl Swedish meatballs with practiced ease, and marksman's accuracy. I can create small rifts in space with my hand allowing me to travel short distances instantaneously. I fight against evil but for the wrong reasons. I do a better Tom Jones impression than Tom Jones himself. My one true fear is large tropical fruit.
On Thursdays before work I bake and distribute free onion bread to orphan children. I have often been witnessed inexplicably shaking my fist in anger and mouthing xenophobic epitaphs at abstract works of art. Each day I have no less than 3, but no more than 7 epic karate adventures in my mind. No less than 3 of these daily adventures result in my imagined death. Oak leaves taste like steak to my unsophisticated palette. I change colors when wet or exposed to a concentrated neutrino burst. I refer to myself only in the third person when captured by my enemies.
In my hands a mock turtleneck becomes a deadly weapon. Amongst coyotes I am revered as an almost legendary champion. When frightened I give off a subtle pineapple scent. I always bet on black.
My dream in life is to become a mexican stick fighter. Unfortunatly I am not mexican, can't fight well, and am mortally afraid of sticks, so needless to say, accomplishing that dream will be difficult to accomplish.
Someday I hope to meet Lionel Ritchie, just on the off chance he would say "Hello, is it me you're looking for?", and then I can say "Yes".
His reaction would be pretty hillarious. I think."
This message has been edited. Last edited by: Pandy,
Posts: 182 | Location: United States | Registered: October 22, 2014
Kitty Tink is upset that her litterbox cleaner is becoming compost. She has been forced to eat the meat due to lack of fresh fish. Blackie is going to have a massive hangover if he manages to wake up from this unexpected death.
Originally posted by Pandy: I thought it appropriate to eulogize Black Seal tonight. What better way to memorialize him than by his own words? I give you an excerpt from his memoirs...
quote:
"I am a classically educated 17th century British Viceroy who through a bizarre series of events was hurled through a rift in time to the year 2253 where I became the greatest starship captain in the Galaxy. With my quick thinking, steady blaster arm, and penchant for lightly buttered lemon walnut scones Earth just might stand a chance against the constant encroachments of the Volgor horde.
I can swim up waterfalls with unparalleled speed. I have the uncanny ability to detect alien invaders masquerading as abstract sculpture. I once sang a rendition of "No woman, No Cry" that brought a tear to the eye of the Pope and elicited a rousing burst of applause from several cardinals. I can hurl Swedish meatballs with practiced ease, and marksman's accuracy. I can create small rifts in space with my hand allowing me to travel short distances instantaneously. I fight against evil but for the wrong reasons. I do a better Tom Jones impression than Tom Jones himself. My one true fear is large tropical fruit.
On Thursdays before work I bake and distribute free onion bread to orphan children. I have often been witnessed inexplicably shaking my fist in anger and mouthing xenophobic epitaphs at abstract works of art. Each day I have no less than 3, but no more than 7 epic karate adventures in my mind. No less than 3 of these daily adventures result in my imagined death. Oak leaves taste like steak to my unsophisticated palette. I change colors when wet or exposed to a concentrated neutrino burst. I refer to myself only in the third person when captured by my enemies.
In my hands a mock turtleneck becomes a deadly weapon. Amongst coyotes I am revered as an almost legendary champion. When frightened I give off a subtle pineapple scent. I always bet on black.
My dream in life is to become a mexican stick fighter. Unfortunatly I am not mexican, can't fight well, and am mortally afraid of sticks, so needless to say, accomplishing that dream will be difficult to accomplish.
Someday I hope to meet Lionel Ritchie, just on the off chance he would say "Hello, is it me you're looking for?", and then I can say "Yes".
His reaction would be pretty hillarious. I think."
I was with Lionel last Wednesday, he will be gutted to hear of this.
Uncle Bob's would like to apologize to the following people or groups of people who we undoubtedly have offended over the course of the past few years. If you feel you have been personally offended then take this apology to be specifically for you. Otherwise, we apologize to Jewish Mexicans, President Barack Hussein Obama Mmm Mmm Mmm a.k.a. Hopey McChangey, Catholic Priests who dork little boys, vegetarians, Fruit Loop, Atkins' Diet adherents and other fat-asses, Dennis J. Olson, Delta Lady, Joe and his Socks, paranoid persona's, space aliens, Illegal Aliens, Boy Scouts, same sex aficionados, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Canadians, ditch diggers, people who support the aforementioned, people on Prozac, Mel Gibson, Nazi Mods, Tiger Woods, motorcycle gang members, rag heads or towel heads or any other Middle Eastern personas or personae, Crotch Bombers, Britney Spears, the blind, the entire Gay and Lesbian community, Charlie Sheen, Black Panthers, NAACP, and anybody who has ever been called Lard Ass.
